mergers and acquisitions

i've decided to end this blog because dating itself, or my reactions to it, are so much a part of what i struggle with on a daily basis. i am therefore merging this into "it's complicated".

who made these rules, anyway?

sometimes what i want to do, or feel like doing, is at odds with what i feel i "should" be doing.

unfortunately i "think" (is it really thinking when it's someone else's idea that's been stuck in your head?) a blog is rather too public a forum for me to be giving more detail in regards to what i mean; would it be appropriate for me to go in depth? it's not that cryptic, is it?

bless me father for i have sinned

is that rude?

it's been 5 days since my last post. 1 date. with el salvador. a youngster, too! (31) i do have a confession to make tho—i already knew him. from work. but he'd gone back to el salvador for a year and has just returned.

i'm feeling rather ambivalent about this whole dating thing. my hope was that with enough dates, the feelings i inevitably develop for men would lessen. especially for guys who imo have little if no "future potential". which is not what this is supposed to be about—it's not supposed to be about meeting "the one", it's supposed to be about kicking the should-shackles off and dating. and not developing feelings, for god's sake! i naively thought that with choice would come some sort of feeling of empowerment, not the lump-in-the-throat of loneliness.

that said, el salvador was a perfect gentleman. dinner, drinks, cabs, doors always held for me, all ending with a trip to the corner store and relaxing on my living room floor with pillows, watching the near-full moon and wisps of fog floating by while chatting about nothing in particular.

[question to self: if i hadn't known him before going out, would i have brought him up? would i have been able to resist?]

after my first [not] date, i felt assured, confident that i'd be able to date sans emotion. i've done it before, although not quite like this, but i've had... mmmm... more than one at a time? which i suppose kept me busy enough, and to be honest, spoiled enough... i felt a kinship with holly golightly. perhaps capote chose the name "golightly" for a reason. holly's character was light, flirty, a fly by night that didn't have a care in the world. no weighty thoughts impeding her ability to have fun.

so in yer face, weighty thoughts! be gone and leave this mind open, open enough to have fun.

what does it mean to "hang out"?

in this age of iphones and crackberries, aim and sms, what does it mean to spend time with a person? do you actually have to be present, physically, with another person or can you spend time with them without seeing them, without hearing their voice?

the other night, i spent the majority of an evening "with" a person, but not *with* him. initially we chatted—me on my computer at home, and he at a bar—and chatting turned to text at some point, he by that time at home, i having moved myself over to my sofa with my phone.

we texted back and forth, debating societal sexism, the drawbacks and benefits of living virtually, for over 2 hours. (thank god for unlimited text-messaging!) but were we hanging out?

july 1: date 1

Date: Wed, 1 Jul 2009 19:50:56 -0700
Subject: not!

what sort of date is that when i have to buy my own tea and he makes it clear that he is off to eat on his own? gorgeous, funny cockney accent, but i don't think so. he sort of smelled. musty. ??

On Thu, Jul 2, 2009 at 12:12 AM, <@hotmail.com> wrote:

What? That isn't what I call a date. And he smelled? Not good!

Talk tomorrow/today.
Knackered.

Date: Thu, Jul 2, 2009 at 12:06 PM

no, not good. on to the next one. i'm following in the footsteps of a friend who has been working on a project called "50 dates, 50 countries". 50 dates with guys from 50 different countries. why not? so i think i need a do-over of either england or italy... i suppose since his accent was english (english like the east-siders) i should consider him that, but then again, i think he's worked really hard at keeping the accent b/c it turned out that his family has been in the states since '77. since he was 12. he's worked at that accent. he's american. i should have figured that out when he asked me if i wanted to get myself a cup of tea!

he reminded me of this friend i had once who, when i first met him (early 80s) had a bright red mohawk, and then packed a bag and travelled around europe, settling in at some sort of commune or squat in england. good person, good heart, hot knives. but we were kids then—when he returned from england he was decked out with dreads and hand-made looking sweaters and caps—which, sans dreads, is what this guy last night reminded me of. scruffy-bohemian-hippy who would fit in great with the people who used to tour with the dead. not passing judgement... this sort of lifestyle is great when one is in their early 20s and has an unlimited trust fund!

but at 44? ha! at least i just came home perplexed and bored rather than with my usual heart-sinking or soaring, spinning me off into my own never never land where everything is seen through coke-bottle glasses.